Calling all Bachelors

So I'm a spinster. We all know that. And I would never go on the bachelorette. For one thing, I don't want to broadcast my bikini-clad body on national television. For another, as we've discussed before, I am in love with everyone I meet, so that'd be a really confusing situation for me unless they were all shorter and skinnier than I am and also were rude.

Over a brainstorming brunch the other day, my friend Natalie, knowing how unlucky I've been with online dating, jokingly suggested I take to the old Spinsterhood Diaries in case any of my readers knows anyone. And while I don't expect my comments section to fill up with suggestions, I did think it was an excellent idea for a post. So, here goes:

1. Do you love kittens?

2. Is watching Netflix at home often more exciting to you than staying out late?

3. Will you excuse me from watching sports?

4. Will you acknowledge that farting in front of me is never acceptable?

5. Are you not a food snob? / Do you sometimes eat at McDonald's?

6. Do you have a job?

7. Do you prefer soda, sweet tea, or milk shakes instead of alcohol?

8. Do you use correct grammar?

9. Do you know what Proverbs 27:14 says, means,and are you willing to adhere to it in my presence?

10. Will you at least consider maintaining separate residences after we marry?


If you or someone you know is a man of 27 years or older and can answer "yes" to at least nine out of ten of these questions, please feel free to submit an essay describing in 250 words or less how and why you understand that Gilbert Blythe and kittens are the best. (Disclaimer: I am not a Mormon or an Orthodox anything...just plain old Southern Baptist.)

Thank you, and I hope to hear from you very soon. Wedding season approaches, so we've only got a year until the next one to get this all ironed out.