Spinster Problems: Ripping your pants

Yesterday was Saturday, and I found myself in the Gap searching for pants because my favorite corduroys are on their last leg. Pun sort of intended. Some people get rid of pants because they're tired of wearing them, or they're out of stile. I, on the other hand, have retired four pair of pants this year because my thighs enjoy each other's company so very much. That is to say, all of my pants die the same way. They rip.

It would be one thing if my pants ripped at home, but invariably, they rip in public and most often at work. I have even had to leave work in the middle of the day to go buy a pair of replacement pants.

So, I bought two new pair of jeans at the Gap yesterday, which will only serve to replace half of the ones I've ripped so far this year. I expect the cords to be done soon. They have been rubbed clean of their wale already, so it's only a matter of time.

I keep searching for a solution to this embarrassing problem, but thus far I have only discovered one: any time I need to wear pants, I should just wear sweatpants. Better yet, I should just start continuously wearing my robe. If you, too, are a spinster of ample thigh, I am giving my full endorsement of sweatpants-all-the-time.

Good luck to you all, and try not to bend or squat too suddenly. You never know what could happen.