Spinster Excuses

A couple of weeks ago, we talked about the disruptions washing your hair and shaving your legs can introduce into your life. However, sometimes that very fact makes quite the handy excuse. In high school, my friend Greg used to say I gave terrible excuses not to hang out, giving examples like "I can't; I have to go laminate my dog." Though I wish I had actually used that excuse, I had not. Furthermore, I think I have become more adept at making excuses now, and I will impart five of them to you today, since I know you must avoid socializing at all costs as much as I do (at least in the winter.) However, since the summer is upon us, I recognize you may be out of practice, so hopefully these tips will help you.

1. I can't. I have to clean out my fridge.
          This is a perfectly logical excuse. Since you're a spinster, you probably make somewhat of a habit of cooking things you never finish eating. Who knows what monstrosities are growing in your icebox? In all honesty, I once found a prune in my crisper which had started out as a plumb. With things like that happening, the need for a full fridge overhaul could be quite urgent. No one has to know you're actually just planning to eat the contents of your fridge instead of disposing of them. (er...at least the ones that are still good.)

2. I can't. I have to unpack my suitcase.
          Ok, everyone knows you never unpack your suitcase until you have to use it again, discovering things you'd forgotten you even owned. However, no one will actually admit that outside of their apartment, so no one can catch you in your fib. Instead of cleaning out your suitcase, I'm guessing you're actually just going to throw more stuff in it when you get home, zip it up, and put it back where it goes, using it as junk storage until you need it next and kick yourself for having no foresight. You know I'm right.

3. I can't. I have to pet my cat.
          There's a guy in my office that always leaves, saying he needs to feed his dog. If you ask me, it's a pretty good excuse since that means another being whose life depends on you is just waiting for you to come home. Since you're a spinster, though, it's more appropriate you mention cats. It's more believable. It doesn't matter if you actually have a cat or not. Plus, petting a cat ultimately takes much longer than feeding it, which makes this excuse believable. You need to leave right now to pet your cat because it could take quite a while.

4. I can't. I have to watch Netflix.
          Ok, so everyone knows that Netflix is on demand, and it's not time sensitive. But let's be real here. Once you sit down, you absolutely need to watch an entire season of Breaking Bad or Frasier or (heaven help you) Law and Order. It's necesary, and it will take hours or even days.

5. I can't. Downton's on tonight.
          Of course, in the US this only applies for Sunday nights, but the fact that Downton Abbey is only on in real time once a week and is a whole commercial-free hour is both serious and time consuming. You have to really prepare before you watch that, and it requires you to shower, use the bathroom, and have all of your snacks at the ready. The preparation alone could take a couple of hours. You're in it for the long haul, and this is serious.


So, now that I've imparted to you my five best excuses, you may use them at will. However, to reinforce your ploy, you should probably instagram whatever you're supposedly doing, just to make sure it goes off without a hitch.